How A Year Has Changed Things

I'm going to copy into this post excerpts from an email I sent to family and friends while I was in China. I wrote it after a bad bout of homesickness I was having, knowing that my kids left at home were also struggling. I am happy to say that I was able to get beyond that with the Lord's help, and while this past year has had its ups and downs, my children have recovered from their ordeal last May. I think Joanna still struggles with homesickness herself from time to time, and I have to remember how I felt last May when mine was just temporary. My sister had emailed during that time that the way I was feeling was how Joanna would feel only she wouldn't be able to go back to "get over" her homesickness. I was glad to go back and read that email because it reminded me of how I saw my child with new eyes. Here it is:

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>Today started out pretty well. Si Mei and I are getting to know each other.
She is very sweet and quiet. When we are around other Chinese people, she
gets really quiet. her fear of strangers shows up == it shows that now I'm
not a stranger to her, so she does come to me when Chinese people she
doesn't know approach her. She is making excellent eye contact, which is
great for bonding. We took a plane to her province early this morning, and
shortly after we arrived in our hotel, we ate lunch (she largely played)
and then attempted to take a short nap. She had ice cream at lunch which
she loved! She will definitely fit in with my family! She kept scraping the
dish trying to get every last bite. Kathy used to tease me for doing that.
Anyway, a woman from her original orphange came today with some documents
that i needed to sign. They were very much like the documents that I signed
for Kyle and Charlie for the period of time that they were placed in my
care while I was in the process of supervision and finalization of their
adoptions. (Marcie's adoption was different as it was a parental placement,
or "open" adoption). The difference, though, is that tomorrow I will sign
the final papers and they will order her passport. They also took a picture
of Si Mei alone and one of me with her for some type of certificate I will
get. Anyway, after the signing of the documents, we changed our hotel rooms again (the
first 2 were just too smokey) and then Si Mei and I went for a walk. When I
talked with katie this morning (last night in Virginia) the kids had just
gone to bed so I didn't get to talk with them. Katie told me that Marcie
had a rough night Saturday night and was crying for me. That just broke my
heart, especially since i didn't get to talk to her and tell her that i
love her again. Well, all afternoon, i just kept thinking about marcie.
When it got quiet this evening and i didn't have anything occupying me, the
tears just started coming. So, I decided to take Si Mei to McDonalds. I
thought that would distract me enough, but it really didn't. So, we are
sitting there eating, and I'm trying to eat my french fries and this nasty
grilled chicken sandwich, and the tears were just streaming down my face.
What a sight we must have looked! Imagine it -- this American woman, with a
pretty little Chinese girl with a deformed eye, eating dinner -- the girl
quietly and the woman crying. People have been staring a lot at us (also
smiling and patting Si mei's head), but they were staring even more. The
security guard kept coming over and smiling at me. Poor Si Mei, she just
didn't know what to do. Silently, I was just praying for Marcie, Charlie
and Kyle, and that I would have peace... that God would watch over them,
etc. I was also thinking that maybe i am doing the wrong thing, I should
just give her back and come home as soon as possible, just forget the whole
thing...and also berating myself for leaving those children at home. i
looked down at my food, then the most amazing thing happened. i looked back
up at Si mei...Joanna, and i saw my daughter. She didn't look any
different. She was still quietly eating her food, but it was really wierd.
I just knew she was my little girl....as though she looked like me, but of
course, she doesn't. I was really "seeing" her with different eyes. It
actually made me stop crying for a few minutes. Then, I got a little
side-tracked because a woman and 9 year old child sat down at the table
next to us, and kept looking. Then the woman got out her daughter's English
book and motioned me over. She kept calling me "English teacher." So, I
went through some of the things in the book and corrected some of their
pronounciation. They were excited. It was really cute. By the time I left I
felt a little better, though, was still teary from time to time. Well then,
on the way back to the hotel, I was reminded of the parable of the lost
sheep. How the shepherd would leave the others to go find the one. That was
really moving. When Si Mei saw that i was a little better, she started
trying to play with me, smiling, and giggling a little. It was very sweet.
I know her brothers and sister are going to love her!

We had a good evening after that. i got her bathed and washed her hair.
She's sleeping now, and i'm still crying. Oh, how I wish I had gotten a
panda phone before I left the states. I haven't been able to get a phone
card here. i know they have them but the one the guide bought for another
family didn't work. So, the choices are credit call card from a payphone
(easy to do from the airport), or call from the hotel room and have it
billed to the room (more expensive, but I did it). Amy and Todd....I'll
remind you to plan for this before you go to China!

I know the kids will be okay. I just miss them so much. I can't wait to get
home to them.
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Wow! I sure am glad to be home with all of my little sheep!