I came awfully close to figuring that out this week. At the beginning of the week, I received a call from the daycare that Joanna had lost the conformer in her right eye (it is the piece that will make the space for her eye bigger). She had walked over to the teacher during naptime because she wasn't behaving and the teacher wanted to talk to her. The conformer was in at that time. Joanna then walked back to her cot and continued tossing, turning and meddling with the shelves next to her for about the next 10 minutes. When the teacher went over to Joanna's cot, she noticed the conformer was gone. Needless to say, the whole classroom was turned upside down to find that little white porcelain piece and even the 3 year old classroom got involved in case the conformer had rolled under the door into that room. Joanna was repeatedly asked by several people what had happened and she had no answer. When directly asked if she had played with it, put it in her mouth or her clothes or swallowed it, she consistently said "no." Now, remember this child is chronologically almost 5 years old....she should be able to relate an event that has happened within the past 15 minutes. She simply refused to say what had happened to the conformer despite reassurances that she was not in trouble. The assistant director called me in the hope that I could talk to Joanna and she would tell me what happened. I knew that was pointless so I declined to talk to her. I could already feel my blood pressure rising!
Over the next 2 days, we continued to press her for more information and she continued to repeatedly deny that she knew what had happened, or simply refused to answer the question. This is her usual style -- this stone-faced silence that she often displays regardless of the situation and whether or not there is any risk of punishment. I have to say that I have never met a child that young that could put up such a barrier and simply refuse to communicate, even non-verbally. I tried several ways of asking her or getting her to open up, and I even said that I just wanted to know what happened to it. I asked again on Wednesday night if she had put it in her mouth and swallowed it. She looked me directly in the eye and said, "No." I suggested to her teacher that perhaps they could engage in some puppet play and see if she would talk through the puppets. They did try that on Wednesday, and the teacher thought she had gotten a very small nod that Joanna had swallowed the conformer. On Thursday morning about 10 minutes before we had to leave for the bus stop, Joanna told me she had to go poop. When she called out that she was done, I went in and guess what was mixed in....you guessed it, this shiny white conformer. My blood pressure immediately went through the roof and I was absolutely livid. I don't think I have ever been that angry. I fussed at her for not admitting to swallowing it and let her know in no uncertain terms that I was exceedingly angry that she had not told the truth. I made her tell the people at daycare where I had found it and that seemed to be a good consequence for her because she seemed genuinely upset. Anyway, I drove to work angry, but by the late afternoon, that anger had dissipated somewhat. Last night, I noticed some soreness over my breastbone which has continued through today. I think I was so angry that I tensed up and must've remained that way all day. Needless to say, I am paying the price for that today. I can't imagine being any angrier. I think rage probably just doesn't even describe the emotion, that's why I chose livid. But, I'm not sure that describes it, either. Fortunately, the emotion fades and other than threatening to send her packing and fussing a lot, I didn't act on the anger. Boy, though, I was sure tempted....
One of the daycare teachers has graciously offered to give me a break from the kids for a few hours this weekend. I can sure use that!
1 comment:
I came across this post through my google alerts and I just wanted to make a quick observation. My child has selective mutism. She is 7 years old. We only figured it out last year, but has been this way all her life. I feel your frustration and I commend your family and building it through adoption, but I want you to consider your words:
She simply refused to say what had happened
while this is true in a sense, it really isn't. Selective mutism is a the manifestation of severe anxiety. Your child is physically unable to speak. I think talking in other terms and practicing these phrases around her educators will help in overcoming SM.
I too used to be livid because my daughter refused to speak when I know she can and does at home. Having learned about SM and learning to cope and educate others has made a huge difference in her abilities to speak when she could not. She could not even say she needed to go to the bathroom at school or even eat at school and now functions normally.
While you had an issue of lying, the SM is a big factor in the ability to speak. I am not trying to judge or speak out of turn. I am just an outsider looking with some experience. Our approach as parents and sole advocates for the child determine the course of learning to cope with the anxiety and some day using word to express wants, needs, etc.
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