I guess by now everyone has heard of the mother who sent her 7 year old adopted son back to Russia. Reporters have tried to cover the story from every angle, and just this morning, I heard that the mother hasn't been charged with anything yet. Apparently, her attorney will speak tomorrow. The grandmother has been talking, as well. There still are some missing details, but no matter what, the fact that a 7 year old child was sent on a flight (or multiple) nearly halfway around the world unattended is scary to me.
Were the reasons justified? If so, or even if not, the bottom line is that a child was sent away alone. Doesn't even a criminally insane child (is there such a category for a 7 year old?) deserve to be escorted on transcontinental flights? Was it really even safe? I am wondering why the parent hasn't been charged with child endangerment at the very least.
That said, I can't imagine the disappointment and desperation that she and her mother might have felt. I know a lot of adoptive parents, and also biological parents, are disappointed in their children. Sometimes the personalities don't jive, there's no chemistry, there may even be dislike (I remember a few years ago, Dr. Phil did a show on parents who did not like their children....these were biological children). I remember learning in nursing school that new mothers need to adjust to the reality of the baby -- a baby different than the one she imagined before the baby is born. The honeymoon wears off quickly with pain and unbearable fatigue setting in as the baby is squalling for yet more attention. I understand that (not the physical aftermath of child birth but the stress of caring for a newborn without live in help). I am certainly not a perfect parent, and do understand a little about difficulty in bonding, but I can't even fathom leaving a child in the custody of airline officials for the lengthy flights. I know there has got to be more to the story, and I certainly don't want to be judgemental. This whole situation and countless others simply bring attention to the fact that pre-adoption preparation and post-adoption services are critical.
Sadly, Russian officials are considering suspending adoptions again. Several Russian children have died in their adoptive parents' custody (at the hands of the parent) and now this child being returned seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I can understand their outrage. Yet, in every culture, every society, there are parents that kill their children. Humans kill each other -- it has happened since Cain and Abel -- the direct result of sin in this world. Parents also abandon their children, and that happens all over the world, as well. Unfortunately, adoptive parents are held to a higher standard and when they fail, it affects adoption for everyone. The thousands of success stories are outweighed by the very small percentage of tragedies. So sad, but also so very human.
The real victims are the children -- those abused and killed certainly, but also, the countless others left in orphanages that will never get a family of their own. Many never would anyway, but even those that could be helped, who have parents pushing paperwork or waiting for court dates or at any point in the process, may not get their families. Ever. Not only that, but more countries could also close adoptions to single parents, as some have already done. My philosophy, as you might've already guessed, is one parent is better than no parent at all. The pitfalls of single parenting don't even come close to the pitfalls of being raised in an institution, which is even far worse than being caught in the middle of divorcing parents and being pulled in both directions.
Bottom line, humans are human. Apart from the grace of God, we struggle and fail dismally. We fail each other, we fail our children, we fail God. I hope and pray that the U.S. and Russian officials reach some type of agreement and that adoption agencies all over the world step up pre-adoption education. I know it's not a guarantee because most people enter adoption with rose-colored glasses thinking the worst case scenario will never happen to them. I understand that, too. But, at least, maybe we can work a little harder preparing parents to parent hurt children. And, then keep praying for those children and their parents.
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